I Have This Divorce Fantasy
I’m still best friends with every single guy I’ve ever dated. My high school boyfriend’s wife and I now joke that we are best friends. I don’t part with people easily.
I consider myself blessed I can still talk to someone who knew my heart at sixteen.
Not in a romantic way.
In a bond that never expired way. It’s possible to evolve and build new lives without leaving people behind. It’s an honor and a gift. One that many people I grew up with have the luxury of understanding.
I would say it sounds naive but I’ve lived it.
Love has never left me.
Until I got divorced.
This may sound crazy but I would prefer to be friends with my ex-husband. Don’t worry, it will never be possible. He’s not willing or able. And I know it might feel unnatural to the average person who’s divorced.
But he wasn’t only the love of my life, he was my best friend.
And yes, he’s done terrible things.
The kinda things I almost didn’t survive or forgive.
But if he came to me tomorrow with true remorse, I would forgive him. Just like I would anyone else I had loved since I was nineteen. Because we grew up together. Because we were entangled from a young and innocent age when we knew no better.
After all, that’s why I chose and stayed with him.
I didn’t see the emotional threat.
I’ve tried a few times to bridge the emotional gap. I’ve included him in our children’s birthdays and other things. But he is far more uncomfortable than me.
Initially, this was irritating. Especially after all the terrible things he has done. But I had to surrender. For the same reasons our marriage ended. He didn’t have the sense of attachment I had. And he never would. That is why we parted.
But I have this divorce fantasy.
That even though I know who he is. I know his limitations. I know he doesn’t have the ability to love me, miss me, or feel remorse. I know his life goes on.