I Met Someone Today
I order a salad.
I’m exhausted, sad, and hungry. There’s no food in the fridge which sends me toward this restaurant. It’s been six days since I lost my sweet chocolate lab, Hazel, The Girl Who Helped Me Raise 3 Boys.
I’ve got zero interest in men.
It’s not the breakup. We’ve been breaking up since we were sixteen. It’s a part of life. One that gets unmistakably confused in adulthood, aka, divorce. The actual breakup is the least of my worries.
But I didn’t break up with a man.
I couldn’t free myself from him. I often say I was more controlled in divorce than in marriage. I have no desire to date. There’s been way too elongated heartache.
I order my food and ask the waitress if the rose is sweet or dry.
She ushers me a taste. The man sitting next to me asks if it’s sweet. Nope, it’s just what I prefer, a bit dry. My eyes fight to stay open. I’ve been crying for days.
Animal lovers will understand my grief.
Others will not.
I’m here to fill my stomach due to an empty refridgerator and heart.
The guy next to me is happier. He’s not escaping emotion today. He’s not hiding in plain sight as I am. He’s simply here to caress a few hours.
I’m not going to be so bold as to say he’s interested in me.
Something about carrying what I call ‘30 pounds of Ralph’ has quieted my typical self-esteem. It makes me vocally self-effacing. I don’t find our exchange threatening. He’s not picking me up nor am I swiping his way.
We are just talking.
It’s not that I don’t want to date.
Deep down I’ve hidden that desire. I’ve got tons of excuses. I’m not ready it was far lonelier being married. I’m not ready my kids are my whole world and first priority. I’m not ready because I’m still carrying what I jokingly refer to as 30 pounds of Ralph.
Shortened version? I’ve got a lot going on.
I size up my lunch partner.
If not seated together we might pass one another on a street. It’s not for lack of…