Member-only story
Divorce
I’ve Finally Forgiven Myself
For letting my children down
My mom didn’t apologize. She never said, “I’m sorry your dad left, I’m sorry he can’t overcome his drinking, I’m sorry I reacted badly to him, got upset, and yelled. She acknowledged our pain but she didn’t lament her mistakes.
Her spirituality and a dose of being a bit difficult prevented it.
I, on the other hand, hated myself for interrupting my children’s lives.
Not the divorce, but the choices I made leading up to it. How I had given my husband so many chances when his actions were upsetting us. My own bad behavior in reaction to his, yelling and saying terrible things.
One day I sit in my marriage counselor’s office.
“I can’t forgive myself,” I say.
“Colleen, you’ve always said you felt God gave you the path He intended for you,” he says. “Did it ever occur to you, maybe God is giving your boys the path meant for them?”
I feel my body relax, some of my angst escaping.
At last, words that allow me to inch towards self-compassion.
And challenge the girl who is hard on herself.
